How Often Should You Be Having Sex?
The magic question in just about every marriage is “How often should you be having sex?” The answer is far more complicated than a mere number. Although some experts suggest that two to three times per week is a good goal for most couples, there’s no clear cut answer. Every couple is different and has its own right number.
What’s most important is that both people in the marriage are satisfied with the frequency of sex. Still, it’s easy to get hung up on that number.
“We all have ideas about how much sex we’re ‘supposed’ to be having, and plenty of couples feel like they have to keep up with the Joneses,” writes Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist in San Francisco, in an email. “Having sex just to meet a societal standard sucks all of the fun out of intimacy!”
Rather than beating yourselves up about not having as much sex as the neighbors, come up with a strategy to determine how much sex the two of you want to have and how to make that frequency a reality. Here’s what to do:
Reflect on your desire.
Sexual compatibility gets a lot of attention among relationship gurus. Different things turn on different people, and you could end up with a partner who has less or more sexual desire than you do. “When it comes to sex, some of us are light switches, always ready to be turned on. Others are like slow-warming irons, or even irons that barely heat up at all,” writes Linda Carroll in her book Love Cycles (New World Library, September
2014). “All these hormonal levels are normal, and it’s also normal for them to change throughout our lives.” Once you realize that having different levels of desire is all right, you have to be honest with yourself about your own libido. Seriously think about your answer to the following questions: how much sex do you want? Are you having too little sex right now? Or is it too much for you?
Marin has couples check in with each other several times a day and rate their level of desire on a scale from one to 10 with one being the lowest and 10 being the highest. The point is not to have sex every time you feel like it, she adds, but to get a sense of each person’s level of desire. This information will serve as the basis for conversations about how often the two of you should be having sex.
Communicate.
As with everything else in your relationship, sex requires communication. Now that you’ve gathered information during your self-reflection and activities aimed at determining level of sexual desire, you have to share the scoop with one another. “Couples should discuss their sexual needs at a time when
they aren’t in bed or mid-coitus,” suggests Kaitlyn Scalisi, sex educator and consultant at Passion by Kait in New York, in an email. “Why do they feel they’re having too
much/too little sex? Is someone bored? Does one partner want to try
something new but is afraid to bring it up and therefore pulling back from intimacy?”
Make sure you follow the rules of good communication. Since sex can be embarrassing to talk about, you should have patience with one another. Be open to each person’s thoughts and feelings. Refrain from judging one another and make each other comfortable. You should both feel safe to express whatever it is you are feeling and whatever it is you want out of your sex life. In the end, you might not agree on everything, but you shouldn’t feel as though you can’t say what you’re feeling out loud to your partner.
Compromise.
Let’s face it, opposites attract. And you and your partner might have different levels of sexual desire. If you’re talking about extreme differences (for example, one of you wants sex every day and the other doesn’t want it ever), then you might have to consider sex therapy and you still might not make it as a couple. More likely, one of you has high desire and the other has low desire, which might mean that you want sex two to three times per month, whereas your husband wants it two to three times per week. There are ways to find common ground in these kinds of situations.
“A suggestion to a couple may be to schedule sex,” writes Toby Dauber, a licensed clinical social worker and relationship specialist, in an e-mail. “ The person with the stronger libido does not feel rejected that way. And the person with the lower libido feels less pressure.”
There’s no shame in playing let’s make a deal either, writes April Masini, the relationship guru behind AskApril.com. Don’t worry if it sounds crass because it just might work for the two of you. “If he wants more sex and you want more frequent family visits to your mom’s home, make a deal,” she adds. “If you want more sex, but he really wants a new car, make a deal. It’s that simple.”
The point is that you both should move a little in one direction or the other to balance it all out. Other experts have suggested discussing the possibility of masturbation for the person, who has higher desire, to ma to make up for the times that he or she isn’t having sex with the spouse or the person with lower libido trying to have sex a little more frequently even if he or she isn’t as interested at the start. You might just get turned on and enjoy it or you could be there for the other person’s pleasure.
Check in with each other.
Even after you have come up with a compromise, you still need to check in with each other to make sure both of you are having your needs met. While there is no magic number of times you should be having sex, you should have intimacy with your partner. “Without regular fulfilling sexual intimacy, a marriage can quickly turn into a friendship or business partnership,” writes Alisa Ruby Bash, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Beverly Hills, Calif., in an e-mail. “Couples that look forward to regular sexual intimacy with each other have a greater chance of staying together throughout life’s challenges.”