One of the major reasons couples come into my office seeking help is because of a breakdown in communication. I will often see couples whose communication patterns have broken down, and the result is constant bickering or raised voices and defensiveness. One of the biggest traps that couples fall into is, assuming what the other is thinking. This causes so many issues—you already know the scenario. One partner assumes something about the other partner. After a while of not approaching their loved one with this, the person with the assumptions begins to get angry at their partner. You will notice that no communication has taken place here, and the grounds are now fertile for an all-out battle because the person with the anger will eventually let it out on the unsuspecting partner.
The first thing I will say to a couple is never to make assumptions about what the other is thinking. ASK! To help disputes not develop into all-out brawls, I urge my couples to focus on one topic at a time when they need to discuss something. This will prevent both parties from reaching into the past and bringing up an issue from who knows how long ago, and insert it into the present. There is little chance the present disagreement will be resolved when this is done. I also stress the importance of taking a time-out from a dispute with the proviso they must return and resolve the issue. And this is another major tip—always resolve those issues to the best of your ability. Letting disagreements remain unresolved will only serve to either build resentment in one or both partners and set the stage for a different argument in the future.
If you or your partner are angry, take some time to figure out why before launching into a heated discussion. This anger will come out in the discussion and lead far from the points you were trying to make.
Don’t yell! I say when yelling starts, both members of the couple have already lost the argument. When voices are raised, messages are tuned out, and any points being made are not heard. If it feels like the temperature of the dispute is increasing, take a time out. Yelling will never resolve anything, and further drive a wedge into the relationship.
No derogatory or insulting language. This also serves to push the original point of the discussion further and further away from resolution and will only result in further hurt feelings.
Take turns speaking. Give your partner time to express what they are thinking and feeling. You should not simply be thinking about what you want to say in return but really taking the time to listen to what your partner is saying. I suggest even using a kitchen timer to get the hang of waiting to speak.
Reflect back to your partner in your own words. Repeat what they expressed, so they know you understand. This will go a long way in helping your partner feel heard and validated.
Following these suggestions can result in better communication between couples. One final caveat: express your feelings with language! This takes us right back to assumptions and believing our partners automatically know how we feel. Put the feeling out there, bring it into the room. Don’t let your partner’s inability to deduce your mood lead to further hurt and resentment. State how you are feeling. It will feel better to voice this and let your partner know you are not doing well.
Mr. Steven Rego is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker who works with individuals and couples. Mr. Rego uses an eclectic mix of therapeutic modalities like EMDR and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to help get at the root of psychological issues. Mr. Rego specializes in trauma, PTSD, depression, anxiety, and OCD. He also works extensively with couples.
