Few things are harder for a parent to hear than, “I have no friends.”
Your immediate reaction will likely involve reassuring your child that of course they have friends. Maybe you then contact another parent to arrange a play date, or call the teacher to get more information about the social situation.
While the desire to jump in and fix the problem is understandable, consider first exploring what your child is trying to communicate to you. Did they have a disagreement that day and are worried they lost friends, do they feel different from their peers in a particular way, are they feeling left out because a close friend chose to play with someone else at recess, or are they truly struggling socially? Is this an isolated incident or an ongoing pattern?
Start by Listening, Not Fixing
The first step is to listen and validate their feelings. Instead of saying, “That’s not true, you have lots of friends,” consider:
- “That must be hard.”
- “Did something happen at school today?”
- “I’m so glad you told me.”
Ask Questions to Understand What’s Really Going On
Demonstrate interest and try to understand what they mean by asking specific questions:
- “Who do you sit with at lunch?”
- “What do you like to do at recess? Who do you play with?”
- “Is it hard for you when the teacher tells the class to choose a partner?”
- “Are you feeling lonely or left out?”
- “Did somebody say something that hurt your feelings?”
Help Them Problem-Solve, Don’t Solve It for Them
Then involve them in figuring out ways to deal with the situation because that will ultimately help them develop important social skills, learn problem-solving strategies, and gain confidence.
- “Is there someone in your class you’d like to spend more time with?”
- “Can you think of what to say to them?”
- “Would you like help figuring out what you could say?”
- “Would you like to ask someone to come here for a play date?”
Consider Whether Social Skills Need Support
Think about whether your child has the necessary social skills, such as starting a conversation and keeping it going, asking a child to play, joining a group activity, taking turns, sharing, being a good winner/loser, and knowing when another child wants some space. If not, consider practicing these skills at home. If they appear to be lacking significant skills, you may want to seek out a social skills group in which these skills are taught and practiced.
Look for New Ways to Connect Outside of School
You can also consider new social opportunities for your child to connect to others outside of school. Think about their interests and discuss options such as sports, theater, music, art, coding, scouting, or other community programs that might offer small group experiences with children who have common interests.
Is This a Pattern? Talk to the Teacher
If it does appear to be a pattern rather than an isolated event, you may want to contact the teacher for more information and possible ideas. You can inquire about who your child interacts with most or connects with best, whether they appear to have conflicts with any specific children, if they are being excluded or teased, and whether they demonstrate the necessary social skills. It is helpful to have information about recess but teachers may not see them at that time; perhaps they can check with the playground aides or make a point of observing them at that time.
Know the Difference Between Normal Struggles and Bullying
Try not to jump to conclusions about bullying, as disagreements, a shift in friendships, or other temporary challenges are common and are opportunities for learning how to work through such difficulties. That said, some signs do warrant a closer look. If your child is regularly being teased, humiliated, excluded or threatened, make sure the school is made aware of this and is responding as necessary. Even if your child has not explicitly complained of these things, take note of a significant change in mood, school avoidance, frequent physical complaints, or increased withdrawal. Ask questions to explore what might be going on.
Every Child’s Social Needs Are Different
It is also important to remember everyone is different and has different needs for social interaction. Maybe your child is naturally introverted and needs some time alone to refuel. Others may have challenges managing strong emotions which might interfere with making and keeping friends. In considering the bigger picture, you might ask yourself:
- Does my child want friendships but struggle to form them?
- Do they seem anxious around other children?
- Do friendships tend to end because of frequent conflicts?
- Does my child have difficulty reading social cues?
- Does their loneliness seem to be affecting their mood or self-esteem?
- Has there been a significant change in their social functioning?
Answers to these questions can help you figure out how best to support your child.
When to Consider Professional Help
You may be wondering if you should seek professional help. Occasional loneliness, a disagreement with a friend, and social disappointments are a normal part of life. However, you might want to consider professional help if your child consistently feels isolated, exhibits significant anxiety, sadness, or anger, frequently avoids or refuses school or activities, complains of bullying or rejection, or regularly expresses negative perceptions of themselves. A child psychologist can help with understanding the underlying difficulties, teaching specific social skills, working on emotional regulation, building confidence, addressing recurrent friendship challenges, and navigating issues with the school when appropriate.
Dr. Jayne Schachter is a clinical psychologist with more than 30 years of experience in working with children, adolescents, adults, and families. She provides cognitive-behavioral treatment through individual psychotherapy, parent counseling, and group therapy. Her areas of expertise include (but are not limited to) the evaluation and treatment of anxiety disorders, depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, behavior problems, Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, effects of divorce, toileting issues, gender identity concerns, and coping with medical illness.
