For those of you who may not know me, I am a psychologist whose work specializes in the treatment of sexual and relationship difficulties. Much of my work as a sex and relationship therapist involves working with both couples and individuals.
In the last 35+ years of psychotherapy, I have frequently encountered couples presenting for therapy that are angry, resentful, and exquisitely focused on their partner’s actual or perceived misbehavior as being the cause of their suffering. I often refer to these couples as viewing each other through the lens of “harsh eyes.” Unfortunately, it’s hard to move forward when they see each other this way. My work lies in getting couples to see each other through, “softer eyes.”
Through recent blogs I referenced the concept of “softer eyes,” referring to the practice of recognizing the suffering in others and treating them with compassion, caring, and understanding- a concept lacking in today’s world. A quick scan of the news proves how angry, divided, and antagonistic we have become toward each other. While this blame can be multi-causal, psychology has had (inadvertently) its share of contributions to society’s lack of civility, concern, and responsibility for the well-being of others.
Many self-help books promote a standard of “I take care of me first, and you are responsible for yourself.” A few popular titles include:
- Looking Out for Number One
- Winning Through Intimidation
- Think Like a Warrior
- I Love Me More
- You Do You
- Build the Best You
- The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck
While these offer some value, particularly in empowering the fragile, they also encourage an attitude of individual well-being at the expense of the greater good. The result is what noted marriage and family therapist Terry Real refers to as a toxic culture of individualism.
In his most recent book, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship, Real believes that our attitudes that espouse individuality over relational responsibility are crippling us in our relational lives. Relational thinking helps people think like they are part of an integrated team. Humans are relational beings and there is an overwhelming body of research that suggests that we are happier, healthier, and live longer when our relational lives are strong. Yet so much of how we live today makes us feel lonely, isolated, and pained.
A similar sentiment is echoed by Washington Post reporter, Christine Emba who, in her new book, Rethinking Sex: A Provocation, advocates the concept of willing the good. According to Emba, willing the good means caring enough about another person to consider how your actions (and the consequences thereof) might affect them—and choosing not to act if the outcome for the other person would be negative. She urges us to act with mutual concern, which is a concern for not only ourselves but the others in our lives as well.
Both Real and Emba endorse a way of being that encourages responsibility, for both ourselves and our individual lives as well as for the consequences our actions may have for others. In other words, they promote the importance of developing an empathic understanding and consideration for the well-being of others. They advance the notion that a world in which we experience a shared, relational existence as opposed to an existentially isolated world based primarily on the promotion of self-interest, will make for a far better world and a substantially more fulfilling life for us all.
Of course, the ideas of Real and Emba are hardly new. Many religions have preached the message of responsibility for others for thousands of years. In Judaism, for example, the concept of Tikun Olam, or to repair the world, has been a foundational piece of religious practice.
However, these days too many of us put great effort into improving our own lives with little regard (or effort) for repairing the lives of others. The balance between “me and you” has shifted too far in the direction of “me” and has resulted in a lack of concern or awareness of “you.” Our eyes, or the lens through which we view others, has moved more in the direction of “harsh eyes” and away from the direction of “softer eyes.”
The truth is, we are all in this together. We share the world and need to return to the principles of shared social living. We have, indeed, cultivated a culture of toxic individuality. It is time to restore the balance between individual well-being and societal well-being.
The essential message is that a healthy society that is characterized by our concern and compassion for those we share our environment with is healthy for us all as individuals. At the core, we are relational beings. We do not live in a vacuum. Our actions have consequences for those around us, and it would be good if we increased our awareness of this reality.
I am reminded of the words of singer/songwriter, Nick Lowe, when he asks, “What’s so funny about peace, love, and understanding?” Let’s work together to end this culture of “toxic individualism,” and return to the ideals of repairing the world that we share. Let’s cultivate the human lens of viewing those with whom we interact with “softer eyes.” It will be good for us all.
Dr. Daniel N. Watter is a licensed psychologist and marital and family therapist. He is Board Certified in Sex Therapy by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT), and the American Board of Sexology (ACS), of which is also holds Fellowship status. Dr. Watter is an AASECT certified sex therapy supervisor and has been elected to Fellowship Status in the International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health (ISSWSH).
