Social connection in America is mired in an ever-increasing chasm of calamitous magnitude. Patients entering psychotherapy are increasingly struggling with feelings of isolation, loneliness, lethargy, boredom, and a loss of vitality and joie de vivre. Of concern is that this trend is escalating, resulting in a mounting sense of existential despair.
Recently, I came across an article written by Robert Putnam in 1995. The article struck me for its content as well as its prescience. Putnam’s essay, entitled Bowling Alone: America’s Declining Social Capital, warned of our country’s deteriorating sense of social connectedness and the dangers if this trend is not addressed and reversed. Putnam lamented the distinct decay in civic engagement among U.S. citizens. Specifically, he identified sharp decreases in voting, attendance at public meetings on town and school affairs, and religious affiliation. He also noted that membership in unions and professional organizations had lost importance and relevance for many, as had participation in civic groups such as the Scouts, the Red Cross, and fraternal organizations such as the Jaycees, the Lions Club, the Elks Club, Rotary, Kiwanis, and others. Putnam even noticed that while the sport of bowling had increased, participation in bowling leagues had experienced a substantial decline.
Indeed, even attendance and participation in PTA/PTO activities have seen a hefty drop. People have become less social in their neighborhoods, and increasingly report they know few people who live on their block or in their buildings. And this was 30 years ago! The rise in social media, electronic devices, and the recent COVID-19 pandemic have only increased the distress listed above for so many of us.
There are many reasons for these changes. One of the most significant is time. Many of my patients lament that they have so little time for all the obligations of daily living, much less for leisure, rest, and relational pursuits. Today, it is commonplace for relationships to have two full-time employed partners. This means neither can devote the time they want to manage a household and/or raise children. This situation results from two primary factors: economic necessity and increased professional opportunities, both compelling justifications.
However, I am reminded of the unavoidable and undeniable truth that every advance paves over some important part of living. There is only so much time in a day and a life, and we must choose how to use it. Trying to jam too much into a paucity of time only increases stress and decreases life satisfaction.
Earlier in this post, I spoke of the decrease in people joining and participating in civic and professional organizations. In actuality, that is not completely true. People today still join organizations, and some have even seen their membership rolls increase. But, those growing memberships require only membership payment and the occasional reading of a newsletter. The organizations that emphasize meetings, civic or professional engagement, or anything that requires time commitment are fading fast. Again, we see how the competition for time leaves those activities that are relational and interpersonally connected on the sidelines.
While the limits of time are a central factor in these changes, it is far from the only one. The snowballing role of technology in our lives is another. Increasingly, we see:
- People choose to stream movies on their televisions at home rather than attend a film in a theater with friends or see a live show.
- Mobile phones have become so much more than a device to place a phone call—indeed, that may be one of its least valuable assets!
- The portability and mobility of electronic devices have resulted in people noticing less and less in their surroundings and interacting less and less with others in person.
- All of this has resulted in a disconnection from other people and a palpable sense of loneliness for many.
So, what are we to do? I wish there were a simple answer.
The late psychiatrist David Viscott noted that our best trait is often our worst. In other words, everything has two sides: the upside and the downside. The stronger the upside, the stronger the downside. Advances in technology are a perfect example of this. While advances in technology provide us with the capability of doing so much more, the advances in technology provide us with the illusion that we can do so much more without having to pay the price.
In the United States and much of the world, the erosion of time has become endemic and systemic. As a society, we must step back and be more thoughtful in evaluating our choices. This is difficult regarding technology because it moves so fast, much faster than we can conceive of the unintended harmful consequences.
Change often comes only after dramatic tragedy. The deterioration of human connection is a tragedy that is gradual and hardly noticeable when viewed in real-time. When we look back on how so many of us struggle with isolation, loneliness, and boredom, we are only then confronted with the insidious nature of systemic change. Perhaps the best we can do is look closely at our own small part of the universe and create the changes we would like in our communities, hoping for a groundswell that will broaden into other environs.
We spend so much energy these days debating the goings on in the larger world, but how many of us are as knowledgeable about what is happening in our towns, cities, and villages? Technology gives us the unprecedented ability to look at the larger world, unfortunately (ala David Viscott); it also creates a practice that limits our ability to look at our smaller, but perhaps more impactful, circle of humanity. We need more balance.
Vilifying technology is not the answer because it does produce much good. However, a run-away technology will take important chunks of human connection with it. We have freedom, we have choices, and we have responsibility for those choices. Let’s choose wisely.
Dr. Daniel N. Watter received his doctoral degree from New York University in 1985 and has also earned a post-graduate certificate in Medical Humanities (with a concentration in medical ethics) from Drew University. He is licensed as both a psychologist and a marital and family therapist. In addition, he is Board Certified in Sex Therapy by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT), and the American Board of Sexology (ACS), of which is also holds Fellowship status. Dr. Watter is an AASECT certified sex therapy supervisor and has been elected to Fellowship Status in the International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health (ISSWSH) and the Sexual Medicine Society of North America (SMSNA).
